


When We Move On

by InChaosRoses



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Heartbreak, M/M, Moving On, Sad and Happy, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27274864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InChaosRoses/pseuds/InChaosRoses
Summary: Sometimes you're not meant to be, and that's okay too.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Taeyong/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 22
Kudos: 95





	When We Move On

**Author's Note:**

> Johnyong nation please don't kill me lol. Luyong enthusiasts we need more fics in the tag. Dont read this if you're sad! I don't wanna make you more sad if you're here for the JohnYong!
> 
> I wanted to explore the dynamic of moving on a little bit, and how sometimes it feels impossible but it can happen and often for the better. A lot of times fics give us the happy ending we crave, but in real life we dont always get that. I wanted to write about that today. Johnyong makes me hurt as my ult ship so they were the muse. I've been in a weird state of mind also lately and wanted to hurt (Literally idk) so here this is.

.

.

.

It starts off innocently enough. They're on a show (all promoting members of NCT2020) and it gets to the segment where they're each asked some silly questions. Lucas gets asked who his favorite member is. That giggle inducing question that goes something like, " _Who would be your bias if you were a fan?_ ", is simple. Something light, _something fun_ , for the crowd (and the members) to tease Lucas about later. 

So it goes over Johnny's head when Lucas quickly answers: " _Oh, well, I think_ _Taeyong hyung!_ "

It does not, however, go over his head when Taeyong is asked the same question and he bashfully answers; " _Lucas. Is that too forward?_ ".

Suddenly ' _simple_ ' isn't the situation. Not by a long shot. 

"Have you seen Taeyong hyung?" Hyuck asks him from their doorway one cold November night. It's been a week since the show aired and two weeks since it was recorded. Since then, Johnny has had to catch fleeting glances of Taeyong because he's been attached to - you guessed it - _Lucas_. The show editors had even added a whole love song and hearts to the part where they chose each other and yes, Johnny had to sit and watch that from his lonely corner while Lucas and Taeyong sat together. 

"Check WayV's dorm," Johnny grumbles as he buries himself deeper into his over-sized gray jacket; arms crossed. "He's probably with Lucas showing him how to start his island in Animal Crossing. Or who knows - maybe they're building an island together." 

"Hyung... " Donghyuck sighs. "You need to pick a mood. Either be glad Taeyong isn't hanging off your arm right now like he does, or admit you're jealous."

Johnny straightens at that.

" _E-Excuse me_?" he gapes. "I am not _jealous_ \- and Taeyong does not hang off my arm, what are you even implying?"

The younger rolls his eyes and makes a show of flipping his hair before turning away to leave. " _You_ ," Donghyuck says as he shuts the door. "between you and _Taeyong_ there is no hope. I might actually be rooting for Lucas. At least he's fully honest about how he feels."

Johnny stares at the door for a couple of seconds before he groans loudly and allows himself to fall back onto his pillows in frustration. Taeyong did not ' _hang off his arm_ ' and Johnny most certainly did not mind the company. Where on earth did Donghyuck come up with that?

Then it hits him like a ton of bricks. He sits up as he feels his whole body grow cold.

The day of the shows recording.

Johnny had, not so nicely, told Taeyong to stop " _hanging off of him_ " when his leader had suddenly gotten clingy before the show. Ten and Yang Yang had joked that they were like a couple who'd just started dating - because Taeyong craved Johnny's attention. 

" _I forgot how much Yongie likes to be around you,_ " Ten had said. " _I think he likes you even more now than when we were trainees._ "

_"How do I get someone to love me like that?"_ Yang Yang had added with a pout. 

It was in good fun, nothing accusatory, but Johnny had felt his ears go hot. He didn't like the attention that brought to them - and so he sort-of... snapped.

" _Taeyong, can you cut it out please?_ " He'd said. " _I need my space too sometimes. You can't always hang off me like that._ "

The look on his leader's face had been of shame and sadness. Everyone in the room had gone quiet instantly; and everyone eyes were certainly now on them. When Taeyong had recoiled away from him - muttering an apology as Lucas pulled him away - Johnny had immediately felt horrible. He knows how much Taeyong hates being put on the spot like that; knows how his anxiety leaves him doubting all his actions afterwards - yet, Johnny had really said all those awful things.

"I'm an idiot," Johnny sighs to himself; hands in his hair. "He thinks I don't want him around. Taeyong must be hanging out with Lucas and WayV because he thinks I'm annoyed when he tries to hang out with me."

"It's a little more than that."

Johnny looks up to see Doyoung at the door this time; coffee in hand. He hands it to the taller male but Johnny doesn't move to take it.

"What do you mean?" He asks, "And why does everyone keep coming in without knocking today?"

"Don't get snippy with me now," his bunny friend warns. "I only came in to check on you after Donghyuck left mumbling about being on 'Team Lucas' now. He came from your room so I figured I would go see what the hell was going on."

"Sorry," Johnny mumbles apologetically. "I don't mean to bite, I just forgot what I said to Taeyong the other day and I feel bad. I literally don't know why I said that stupid shit, but I did."

Doyoung hums; recalling the exact 'stupid shit' that Johnny had said to his best friend a few weeks ago. Truth be told, he'd wanted to rip Johnny a new one in the room that day, but Jaehyun had to the good sense to talk him out of it.

"I bet I know why, but telling you that would make it too easy, and you have to actually suffer for this to know if it's what you really want. That, and I am looking out not just for you, but for Taeyongie too."

The older of the two throws himself back on to his bed again dramatically. "Please Doie," Johnny begs. "Please just... just tell me what you meant by ' _it's more than that_ '? What am I missing here?"

Doyoung sets the coffee down before sitting next to his hyung. Johnny looks like a kicked puppy, and he wants to give in and tell him the quick answer to his problems - but he can't. Johnny has to navigate this on his own if he has any hope with Taeyong.

"Do you want to know where Taeyong is today?" He asks.

Johnny nods; looking at the ceiling sadly.

"I want to apologize Doie," He says. "Taeyong is the one person that doesn't deserve to be talked to like that, and I would punch anyone who would. He's been avoiding me since, and I _really_ miss him."

Theres a moment of silence. Doyoung looks at Johnny seriously. 

"He's on a date with Lucas."

"So, I hear you went on a date?" Xiaojun asks him back stage; unable to keep the giggle out of his voice. 

Taeyong can feel his face turn pink as his eyes immediately dart over to Lucas in the opposite corner. Apparently, he'd overheard Xiaojuns question and was now smiling widely at him. Taeyong feels the butterflies in his stomach take flight as he nods.

"Yeah, yeah I did Junnie," he says. Xiaojun beams.

"Just so you know," the blond says with a whisper. "Lucas hasn't stopped talking about it, and Kun had to force him to go to bed that night because he was like a kid hyped up on sugar. He's really happy hyung. I also think you two are very good for each other."

"So do I," Doyoung agrees; coming to sit with them now that his makeup was done. "You two have been very cute with each other since SuperM started promoting last year, and I was wondering when Lucas would make a move. He's clearly had a thing for you for a while."

"Boss era, is what he told me the other day," Xiaojun smiles. "He said he had to keep it really well hidden back then because he was younger and more obvious."

Taeyong laughs at that; recalling the glances and smiles Lucas tried to, badly, hide all that time ago. Taeyong had always questioned it - wondered if maybe Lucas had an interest - but ignored the idea after promotions were done because of... other feelings that kept him up at night back then. 

"Does he know that our fandom ships him with Jungwoo?" Doyoung laughs. "Was he trying to cover up his crush by making everyone think he wanted to date Jungwoo?"

"Actually," Lucas interjects. "that was Jungwoos idea. He said Taeyong would catch on if I kept making love sick faces at him."

"That's so cute!" Taeyong gushes; making grabby hands at the taller male. Lucas bends at the waist to allow his hyung access to pinching his cheeks. 

"He is whipped your honor," Xiaojun says dramatically.

Lucas smiles as he checks to make sure all staff members are out of the room before pressing a quick kiss to Taeyongs lips.

Taeyong goes a deep shade of red; eyes wide.

"You have no idea," Lucas agrees with a grin.

" _Okay,_ I'm walking away from this public display of affection. I can only handle so much," Doyoung groans as he gets up. "I am very happy for you both but, wow, the flirting on our Xuxi is too much for me."

"Same here," Xiaojun laughs before following Doyoung up and out of the room. 

When the door shuts, Taeyong realizes it's only himself and Lucas left. The room feels so much bigger now with all of NCT U out of it. Lucas is still in front of him, and Taeyong clears his throat to look away - noticing that Lucas doesn't want to move and keeps staring at him.

"What are you thinking?" The younger asks; just above a whisper. 

Taeyong truthfully doesn't know if he's even _capable_ of thought right now. His heart is beating a mile a minute, and his stomach keeps doing flips like it's going for the gold at the Olympics. He manages to brave looking at Lucas though, and sees how warm his gaze is. It relaxes him instantly. 

"I was thinking that, uhm, that was our first kiss."

Lucas hums. "I don't know if it really counts though," He says easily. "You didn't get the chance to kiss me back. Also, I'm sorry, I should have asked but I couldn't help it - you look really cute today."

"It's okay," Taeyong nods; smile on his lips. "You look really good today too. Like, _really_ good."

Something shifts in the air and Taeyongs wants to be brave as his eyes dart down to the others mouth. How Lucas manages to look so calm and collected right now is beyond him.

"Can I-"

"If you don't, I'll be sad," Lucas smiles as he waits for Taeyong to come to him.

Taeyong smiles too; feeling floaty and warm as he closes the gap between them. 

Soft. Lucas' lips are soft, and fit with his own almost perfectly. It's slow at first, innocent almost, as Taeyong lets himself melt into the pleasant vibrations flowing through his veins. Lucas himself can't contain the happiness running through him as he kisses his hyung back - a moment he's waited for, for so long. He lets Taeyong take control for a minute or two before he can't hold back anymore and deepens the kiss. 

Taeyong places a hand on the taller males' shoulder as Lucas nips at his lower lip. He gasps slightly and the younger takes the opportunity to lick into his mouth. Something in Taeyong keens at the sensation and he wraps his arms around Lucas neck suddenly. Lucas himself takes the que and wastes no time in surging forward; hands guiding Taeyong to lay on the sofa so he's hovering over the other male. With one hand he draws circles into the little patch of skin exposed at Taeyongs hip, while the other hand stays on the sofa by the leaders' head to keep him from laying directly on top of Taeyong. 

The air around them becomes hot, and as the kiss turns sloppier, all Taeyong wants to do is let his hands roam - so he does. One hand continues to play with the back of Lucas's neck and jacket collar, but the other runs along his exposed chest. If there was one thing Taeyong had been secretly wishing to do since the stylists had picked this outfit out for Lucas; it was this. Lucas hums happily into Taeyongs mouth at the sensation of those nimble fingers appreciating his muscle. Deciding he too wants to explore; Lucas lets his own hand roam the flat plane of Taeyongs stomach and the leader breaks their kiss to let out a sweet little mewl in approval. 

"You're so pretty hyung," Lucas says roughly into his ear; voice impossibly deeper than Taeyong has ever heard it. "You're always so pretty, but like this? You're so pretty for me I feel crazy." 

He feels light headed as the words make his stomach flip and the heat rushes to his face again. Taeyong wants to say something but his brain turns to mush when Lucas places a kiss on his nose. He pouts. Lucas smiles. Taeyong giggles. The knock at the door makes them jump and scurry away from each other.

"Hey," Doyoung smirks. "Sorry to inturrupt, but we'll be needed in 10, and I don't want you looking like you just got to second base before we go on stage."

"At a _show?_ I would _never_!" Lucas says dramatically; pulling Taeyong against his chest for good measure.

"I'm just saying," Doyoung jokes before slipping out. 

Before Lucas can shout anything back to be funny, Taeyong reaches up to place a quick kiss to Lucas's cheek. It effectively shuts him up, and he turns to grin at the shorter male.

"So," Taeyong smiles. "Want me to help you fix your hair?"

"Only if you let me re-apply your lip gloss," Lucas smiles back.

" _LUYONG IS OFFICIAL BITCHES, COUGH UP THE DOUGH!_ " Yang Yang howls into the dorms; much to Johnny's dismay. Doyoung at least has the good sense to look sad for him as they sit on the couch and watch Yuta and Mark toss a few won on the table. Taeil, Jaehyun, Johnny and Jisung are the only ones who hadn't bet.

The mentioned couple are at the front of the mass gathering; Lucas with a big wide grin on his face - arm around the smaller - and Taeyong looking proud and bashful all in one. Johnny wants the carpet to swallow him whole. 

"You mean ALL of you except WayV, Donghyuck, Doyoung, and Shotaro bet I _wasn't right_?" Yang Yang shrieks as he counts the bills. "I mean, _come on_ , it was _obvious!_ "

"Okay, but like," Mark says from his seat next to Yuta. "Lucas can't keep a secret, and Taeyong is a very quiet kind of guy. Duh, our dorm wasn't gonna know."

Lucas pouts. "I can keep a secret," he mumbles at Taeyong who quickly agrees and gives him a peck on the cheek. Johnny doesn't like the ugly feeling in his chest. 

"That, and Mark was kind of hoping for _'Taeyong mom, Johnny dad,_ '" Jungwoo adds innocently into the room. Johnny still chokes on his drink. Taeyong feels himself tense up.

"Yo bro, you good?" Mark asks Johnny. "Sorry, don't mean to be weird about it - but yeah I sort of thought out of all of us - it was gonna be you and Taeyong. Guest I was wrong who got together first."

"And _THAT_ is why you'll never win the lottery," Donghyuck smirks; effectively switching the topic.

"Can we even buy lottery tickets since we're idols?" Shotaro asks curiously. Next to him, Sungchan looks like he's curious about this too.

"Okay," Kun speaks up. "We are veering off topic. So, back to the important part here," he looks at the happy couple. "I am very happy for you both. I think you make a wonderful pair, and Lucas certainly has been even happier at our dorm."

Taeyong smiles; the need to cry getting stuck in his throat. "Thank you, Kunnie," he says. Lucas nods. 

"Thank you for being honest with us," Kun smiles back. "Speaking of the rest of us, we are a family, and as a family I hope we all understand that there should be no hate coming towards them - not just because one of them is our leader - but because there should be no hate here in regards to sexual orientation. Is that understood?"

"Dude, half of us are gay as hell," Ten smirks. 

" _Half?_ " Donghyuck scoffs. "Literally name one straight in this group."

"Easy _,_ " Ten declares; finger jabbed in the direction of one very irked Johnny Suh. "Let the records show that Johnny boy here is literally the only straight in NCT2020 - or may the heavens strike me down right-"

The loud crash of thunder against their living room windows breaks the atmosphere suddenly - and the group jump at the same time when the lights flicker before completely shutting off. Everyone is still for a moment - taking in the severity of the storm outside. It's only when someone's phone goes off that they all come back from the shock.

"Damn," Jaemin says first. "Talk about divine intervention."

The Dreamies laugh at that, but Johnny can't help but feel the weight of the world suddenly on his back.

"Don't worry," Ten laughs at him. "I know you're as straight as they get John. No amount of bad weather will change that."

Next to him, Johnny catches Doyoungs muttered ' _but for how long?_ ' before he gets up to find candles with Taeyong. 

"Okay, so, I just got off the phone with our managers, and they all agree that it's safer to just have us all bunk here for the night," Taeyong finally says to the massive group; a loud collective _'YES!_ ' sounding off as he does so. "They don't want to risk driving the vans in this storm, and with all of us in one place it's both bonding time and easier to keep track of us."

"Do we get to pick who we bunk with?" Jisung asks. 

Taeyong smiles. "Yes, but please try not to stay up all night. The Dream team has a schedule tomorrow, and Taeil has an interview in the morning so keep it down."

"I call rooming with Mark," Yuta loudly announces.

"WHAT?" Mark screeches.

"You heard me," is all Yuta gives back as he makes a bee line for Marks room. 

"So when are we opening up bets for Yuta and Mark getting together?" Hendery asks.

Yuta turns around, "and who said we aren't already?"

"W-WHAT?" Mark screeches again.

" _Mark, Yut_ a," Johnny roars into the hallway. Everyone stops talking, Taeyong sighs. "Your leader asked you to keep it down. Taeil is already in bed."

Mark looks down sheepishly, and Yuta rubs the back of his head. 

"Sorry hyung," they both say towards Taeyong and Johnny, before going into Marks room. Yang Yang, Jeno, and Jaemin follow after them.

"I'm rooming with Taeil," Donghyuck declares happily.

"But, he's already asleep?" Renjun wonders.

"Yes, all the better to cuddle," he says matter-of-factly. Renjun nods in understanding before he turns to Doyoung.

"Can I room with you?"

Doyoung smiles fondly at the younger vocalist before taking him under his arm. "Anytime," he says.

"Some of you can take my bed too," Taeyong adds then; pillow already in hand. "I can sleep on the couch tonight just fine."

"I don't think so," Lucas interjects. "You need a good night's sleep too, hyung."

"But I have no schedules tomorrow," Taeyong says back. 

"All the more reason for you to sleep in your own bed, uninterrupted, I'll take the couch."

"No need, Xuxi," Jaehyun puts a hand up; already dressed in his sleepwear. " _I_ will take the couch tonight. Chenle and Jisung already passed out on my bed. I was gonna take the floor, but Kun and Ten already set up camp there to keep an eye on the babies. Besides, I think you should keep Taeyong company toinght. It's rare that you'll get to have sleep overs, so take the time now."

Taeyong blushes something furious as Lucas clears his throat. 

"Lucas can sleep in my room. Let Taeyong get some rest tonight."

Jaehyun, Lucas, Taeyong, Xiaojun, and Hendery all stare at Johnny.

"I mean- unless Taeyong _wants_ you to stay with him, that is," Johnny quickly adds. "I know he's been tired, I just wanted to offer an alternative if he really wanted to say no without saying _'no'_. That's all."

Jaehyun looks like he wants to say something - even reaches for Johnnys shoulder - but the taller male shakes his head. Taeyong too, looks like he wants to say something, but holds his tongue. Lucas doesn't seem to catch the odd atmosphere and instead turns to face their leader. 

"What do you say, hyung?" He asks shyly. "I want you to rest, so I don't mind rooming with Johnny if I have to."

Taeyong considers it for a second. It was true - moments alone like this with Lucas were few and far between, but he also knew he'd get zero sleep with Lucas so close to him. Flash backs to their heated kiss (and all the other make out sessions since) made him very needy, and with so many people in the dorm... Taeyong didn't want to find out if he was a screamer, at least, not tonight.

"... do you mind?"

Lucas grins a wide toothy grin before kissing Taeyongs head. 

"Not at all."

"Okay then it's settled everyone follow me that's going to my room and everyone else good night I'm tired," Johnny says in one breath as he all but runs to his room; leaving everyone to stare dumbly behind him. 

"What, has gotten _into_ him?" Jaehyun asks. "He's been so moody lately. You would think he stepped on some legos or something."

Taeyong frowns - thinking back to the last time Johnny so much as looked at him, let alone _talked_ to him. 

"Don't think so loudly Taeyongie."

The leader turns to look up and find Lucas already staring down at him. He plants a kiss on his lips this time. 

"Maybe you _should_ stay with me tonight," the leader says. "Maybe we should try to give Johnny some space."

"Quit that," Lucas says playfully; hands on Taeyongs waist. "You need," a kiss. "Your sleep," a kiss. "Too," another kiss. Taeyong giggles but nods in agreement.

"Okay, I'm going to go cuddle the couch, good night everyone." Jaehyun laughs. 

Everyone parts ways after that.

Lucas enters Johnny's room and finds he's there with Xiaojun and Hendery.

"Okay lover boy!" Hendery cheers.

"Still can't believe you officially have a boyfriend and it's Lee Taeyong. Do you know how many people in the world envy you now and don't even know it?" Xiaojun jokes. Lucas laughs as he throws his bundle of pillows and blankets on the floor. He glances as Johnny, but the taller male is too busy on his phone. 

"Hey Xuxi, I'm nosey," Hendery says.

"Yeah, what's new about that?" Lucas laughs; getting a pillow thrown at him.

"As I was saying, I'm nosey. How did you get the courage to finally ask Taeyong out? Weren't you afraid you'd get rejected?"

"Oh," Lucas says as arranges his pillows. "I was terrified."

Johnny looks up at that. 

"- but I realized something while we were promoting with SuperM."

"That was?" Xiaojun asks. Johnny pretends not to be listening.

Lucas stops to look at them seriously for a second, "If I didn't tell him, I would risk spending the rest of my life without him. I could keep it bottled up and not take the chance that he could love me back - and I didn't like that. My dad always told me that if I fall in love with someone, I need to tell them, because if I don't, I'll never know. That's how he got my mom. He took the risk."

Johnny feels a pull in his chest. _Jealousy_. It can't be. But that's exactly what it is. 

"As for the courage, I think it came to me because during promotions I got to spend more time with Taeyongie, and all the time we spent together during BOSS and NCT2018 - well, it sort of felt like we were never apart. We just picked up where we left off and Taeyong opened up a lot to me. I didn't want to force it and get my hopes up, but you know Taeyong likes to show affection through touch."

Cold. Johnny feels cold dread seep through him. 

"I'm like that too, and the touchier he got, the more comfortable I became with just having him in my arms all the time. Eventually we were sharing beds, and staying up all night talking and laughing."

_Something we use to do_ , Johnny thinks. 

"He's just so bright, y'know? Taeyong has a way of making you feel like the moon hung the stars just for you."

_'You're going to debut,'_ Taeyong had told him one night when he was frustrated and NCT U's first line up was announced. _'Do you understand Johnny? You're going to debut! No one has worked harder than you, and you're too talented not to be on that stage with me.'_

Johnny had been planning to leave SM the next day. Taeyong didn't know - but he'd been the reason he stayed. 

"But he's broken too."

Johnny looks up again. Lucas is staring off into space. Xiaojun and Hendery are hanging on his every word.

"Poor little guy is so hard on himself. He really takes everything to heart, and he's so busy being everyone's rock - he forgets he needs someone to lean on sometimes too. That is, until he's burnt out. When he gets too quiet, I know I need to go find him. My little soldier," He smiles. "I know he tries to just be alone when he's hurting - and he'll probably lie if you ask him about it - but I learned that even if I just sit with him when he's like that, it goes a long way. Eventually he started looking for me to sit with, rather than finding a place to be by himself."

There are tears in his eyes. Johnny knows. All those times Taeyong had been hurt - the public, the staff, the company not standing up for him, all the rumors and weight he'd taken on his shoulders - and Johnny hadn't tried to just sit with Taeyong. Not once. He'd offered food, sure, but never had he tried to break down that extra wall. The wall that he'd only ever allowed certain people to see when he just couldn't keep up the facade anymore. The one that Taeyong probably would have given him access to, if he'd just picked up on it sooner. Because... because...

"Well look at that," Xiaojun smiles. "Our Xuxi is a romantic after all."

"The most romantic in this room," Lucas laughs. "And don't forget it."

Johnny gets up then, rushing out the door.

Taeyong is in the kitchen getting a glass of water (a smile still on his face) when Johnny appears at the door looking ready to sob.

"J-Johnny?"

" _I'm sorry_."

His anxiety immediately goes through the roof. Breathing stills, and his body goes cold. Taeyong has to hold the counter behind him to keep from letting his legs give out. His voice strays away for a few seconds, unsure, but eventually he's able to clear his head enough to speak.

"Sorry- Sorry for _what_ , Johnny? W-What are you talking about?" He manages to ask. Johnny looks down; tears now spilling over.

"The other day," he chokes out. "I said awful things to you backstage and you didn't deserve that."

Taeyong blinks but slowly nods in understanding; replaying that awful day in his head. He'd spent so much time that day beating himself up for being so attention seeking, and it had been Lucas who convinced him otherwise. 

"That was- that was weeks ago, Johnny," the leader tries. "We were all sleep deprived and tired - I don't _blame you_ for anything. I _was_ being kind of clingy and-"

" _You're not clingy_ ," Johnny interrupts. "God, I hate that I made you feel like that. I wasn't bothered, I was just nervous, or something... I like that you're comfortable like that with me. I like that you're touchy. I miss it. I miss _you_."

Theres a light flutter in his chest hearing that; but Taeyong wills it away. He was tired of getting his hopes up - that was why he'd moved on in the first place.

"Thank you, Johnny," he finally says. "thank you for apologizing to me. I-"

"You've been avoiding me."

Taeyong stills. His breathing goes shallow again. 

"No, I haven't."

"Yes. You have," Johnny runs a hand through his hair and looks at the wall to his right. "You started avoiding me after that. All you ever wanted before was to play games with me, or talk, or go eat. We even spent months putting together a fish tank once upon a time - but now you only ask Doyoung to help you."

"Johnny I- I didn't know you-"

"You started getting close to _Lucas_ and now you're _dating._ "

Taeyong blinks; feeling a lump form in his throat. There's a roaring in his ears and he knows his anxiety is getting bad, but he can't walk away. Not yet.

"Johnny, answer me truthfully," He says as evenly as he can. "Do you have a problem with Lucas and I being together?"

It takes a beat or two before Johnny answers; the silence weighting heavily on them both. In it, something in Taeyong finds courage.

"No," he finally says back. "Infact, I think you couldn't ask for anyone better. He adores you. You should hear how he talks about you - like you're the love of his life. I just... "

"You just _what_ , Johnny?" Taeyong asks; his voice now more alive. The fogginess starts to dissipate, and his nerves calm down enough that he leans away from the counter. Johnny, on the other hand, looks like cornered pray. 

"I just... " he wants to say it. He can _feel_ the words there.

"Johnny."

"Just- _Why?_ Why _Lucas?_ I understand why he likes you, hell the whole _world_ could understand, but why do you have to like Lucas? What do you see in him?"

_What do you see in him, that I can't give you?_ Is what he means to say; but the words get stuck in the fear of owning up to his feelings. Of what those feelings could mean. 

Taeyong sags his shoulders and looks away. A hand comes up to push his hair back - he looks lost.

"You're asking me 'why' I like Lucas?" He asks. "Is that really what you want to ask me right now? Johnny for the love of God, _please_ , is that really all you can come up with right now? What you needed to know at two in the morning?"

He wants to say it. Johnny wants to say it. Taeyong can see it, but he's tired of waiting. He's tired of hurting.

"Johnny if you don't say something right now, I'm going to bed and we're forgetting this conversation ever happened."

Johnny looks at him.

"Taeyong, do you love me?"

Whatever air was left in his lungs gets punched out with the question, and somehow, he can feel tears welling in his eyes. Taeyongs lips quiver as he tries to blink back the tears.

"What did you just ask-"

"I asked, if you love me, Taeyong," Johnny says; chest on fire as he holds back his fear. "Because I need to know if that's what I'm giving up."

Taeyong shakes his head.

"That's not fair, John," he whimpers. "You don't get to ask me that."

"Why?"

" _What about you?_ " Taeyong suddenly yells. "Do you really expect me to believe that you stormed in here only because you want to know why I'm in love with Lucas? Asking me if I love you so that you know what you're _'giving up'_ , are you _kidding_ me Johnny? Are you really doing this to me _now,_ after all this time, after I _moved on_?"

There's a hole in his chest now; a big ugly black one that he put there himself - and for the first time Johnny understands what all this pain over the years must have felt like for Taeyong. Teayong himself is now freely crying. The tears falling endlessly as he speaks.

"You know what, _yes_." Taeyong chokes out. Johnny feels his heart stop. "Yes, Johnny. I loved you. I loved you like I have never loved anyone - like my soul would break if I couldn't have you. From day one, it was you."

Time stops with that, and something inside Johnny lights up. He didn't even realize he was smiling until he tried to speak.

"Taeyong... I-"

"No."

Johnny blinks; confused.

"No, I _need_ you to understand this Johnny, because I have wanted to say this for so long and if you won't own up to, I will," Taeyong says meekly. 

Johnny nods and motions for his leader to continue, but he can feel his body grow cold again - the light dying down.

"You were the one person I couldn't lose, so I kept it bottled up. Every day we grew closer it became harder for me to shut this part of me out. I kept getting my hopes up - but any time something happened you were so quick to add your version of " _no homo_ " that I wanted to hide for even thinking you may feel the same. We were growing so close that even Mark and Donghyuck started calling us their parents, and I felt horrible for wishing it was true in a way. When I started preparing for SuperM, and got to spend some away from you and my feelings, I realized that falling for you was hurting me. All the advances, how obvious Doyoung agreed I was being, was falling on the ears of a straight man. You made it very clear any time I got too close that you had no interest. At one point you started to become visibly annoyed with me, and I didn't want you to hate me - so I started to spend less time with you. Lucas was always there, and over time I realized just how much I actually care about him. I never saw it before, because I refused to move on from you, but eventually Lucas became the center of my attention and it was so natural. It all fell in to place so easily."

There's a dull ache at the confirmation - but Johnny continues to listen carefully.

"When you yelled at me that day backstage that was the last push I needed to leave it behind. I hadn't gotten to spend time with you at all before then, and I wanted to just be friendly, but your reaction hurt. I told myself I couldn't wait anymore that day. I think Lucas knew, because he told me how he felt the next day."

A smile makes its way to Taeyong features and Johnny nods, understanding everything perfectly.

"It was like he was waiting for me to make up my mind before making a move. Not that he was good at hiding how he felt during promotions."

Taeyong looks up a at Johnny then; sure of himself - unafraid. This version of Taeyong is what Johnny was happiest to see, the version that was ready to stand up to anything or anyone. Like he was now. He was standing up to the love he'd kept all this time. Admitting to Johnny he'd loved him.

"Is there anything else you need to say to me, Johnny?"

Johnny shakes his head.

_I love you;_ he thinks. _I love you, and I'm sorry I figured it out too late. I didn't mean to make you wait until you felt you needed to move on._

The leader wipes one last stray tear from his face before reaching forward to hug the taller male. Johnny immediately wraps his arms right around the shorter. 

"Thank you, for apologizing. I forgive you. You do mean the world to me, Johnny."

Heartbreak hurts like hell.

"Thank you for letting me go," Johnny murmurs. "I know Lucas loves you the way you deserve - and I hope you're happy."

He wants to cry again, because really, that's as close he'll get to knowing - but Taeyong simply smiles as he pulls away to look at Johnny. He lifts up on his toes and places a quick kiss to the taller males' cheek. Johnny wants to pull him back in; but he understands that he lost the chance to do that when Lucas did what he couldn't.

"Good night, Johnny."

With that, Taeyong steps away - leaving Johnny behind.

"Taeyongie?"

"Hey Yukhei," Taeyong says into the receiver. "can you come stay with me tonight?"

Lucas sits up quickly. 

"I'm grabbing my pillow now and heading over."

The leader smiles, "okay."

"Is everything alright?" he asks frantically bolting to the door. Behind him; Xiaojun and Hendery both look worried.

Taeyong thinks about everything that just happened minutes ago, all the words said. The world certainly _had_ shifted.

"Yeah, just, I need you here with me is all."

There's a knock on Taeyongs door so he stands up to answer it. He can't stop the tears that form when he's greeted by Lucas and his tiger plush - phone still glued to his ear.

"Did you miss me?" He asks sweetly.

Taeyong lets himself cry as he nods and dives forward to bury himself in his boyfriend's chest. Lucas immediately wraps his arms around the leaders' smaller frame and pushes them inside the room; closing the door behind them.

"Shh, baby, it's okay," he soothes as he backs them up to the bed and sits them both down. Taeyong wastes no time in curling up into Lucas' lap. 

"Shh, it's okay, just let it out. I'm here."

"I really _do_ love you, Yukhei," Taeyong chokes out. "Please don't ever think I don't. I love you so much I just- "

"Hey now, I know that," Lucas comforts; placing kisses on Taeyongs head. "You mean the world to me too, Taeyongie. But you're scaring me. Tell me what got you so worked up."

It takes a couple tries, but eventually Taeyong is able to keep the tears back enough to look up at Lucas and speak.

"I was in the kitchen with Johnny just now," he sniffs. "and I just- I don't know! He apologized about yelling at me weeks ago. Then we talked, and I feel better but I also- I _hurt_. I hurt, Xuxi, and I feel like _shit_ for that because I love you and I can't give you up so I shouldn't hurt for someone else but I do and-"

"Baby, look at me."

In his haste to say what he was feeling Taeyong hadn't realized he was clutching the front of Lucas' shirt; curling himself inward as if afraid. Lucas smiles warmly at him and wipes the tears away from his eyes.

"You," he whispers. "Are my Taeyongie. I am your Xuxi. That won't change unless you tell me you don't want me anymore. Okay?"

"I wouldn't-"

"Hush, let me speak." Lucas places a finger over Taeyongs lips. His boyfriend nods.

"I know Johnny is your first love."

"You, _what_?"

Lucas giggles at the look on Taeyongs face, but quickly schools his features when Taeyong frowns.

"Sorry, I shouldn't laugh."

"You knew all this time?"

A blush of embarrassment makes its way to the Chinese man's cheeks as he nods.

"It was the reason I didn't want to get too close to you during BOSS promotions. The real reason, anyway. I saw the way you looked at him, talked about him, acted with him - I was sure I stood like, no chance. I could only think, 'wow, how lucky Johnny is. To be loved by someone so beautiful on the inside and out'. I knew that if Johnny ever confessed that would be it, the stars wanted to line up for the both of you and who was I to get in the way?"

There's a hint of sadness in his tone and Taeyong hates it. The idea that Lucas wouldn't stand a chance sounds crazy after the last year together. He'd have moved on sooner if he'd known that this wonderful person was waiting on the other side for him. He places a hand on Lucas' cheek to get his attention before placing a quick kiss to his pouty lips.

"You don't still think like that... do you?"

Lucas smiles; shaking his head before rubbing their noses together.

" _No way man_ ," he laughs. "The day you decided you were ready to accept someone else in to your life I said 'hey, that's me!' and never looked back. I think I like where we're going now, don't you think?"

Taeyong smiles wide and kisses his boyfriend again.

"Yeah."

They stay like that, wrapped in each other, until Taeyong yawns and Lucas throws them both backward onto the bed.

"So," Lucas asks carefully; trying to tuck them both into bed. "what did you say to Johnny? Did he say something that upset you, or were you just built up emotionally from letting out what you feel?"

Taeyong scoots impossibly closer to Lucas before answering.

"I told him what I felt for so long: that I loved him. That I wanted to move on because I couldn't wait for someone that didn't know what he wanted because it was hurting me. I told him how easy it was to fall in love with you - and I asked him if there was anything he wanted to say to me."

"Did he, y'know... "

"Just now, even in tears, even when he knew there was no way I would turn away from you - he still couldn't admit what I know. It was the look in his eyes. It's the same look I gave him for years. That heartbreak."

"It's a scary thing," Lucas admits; arms firmly around his baby. "Telling someone you love them. You risk getting nothing in return, but also risk gaining nothing by never saying anything. I'm proud of you for this Yongie."

"I really don't love him anymore, Yukhei," Taeyong says seriously; barely above a whisper. The look in his eyes melts Lucas. "I mean that. When I fell in love with you, it took time, but I don't feel anything for Johnny anymore. I'm hurt for what could have been, maybe in another life, but... but I'm so happy that in this one I got you."

Lucas smiles. "I know," he places a kiss to his leaders' lips. They stay close to each other for a moment; just staring into each other's eyes. It dawns on Taeyong then that with his conversation with Johnny came the closure he needed.

"Lucas?"

"Hmm?"

Taeyong sits up and out of the taller males hold. Curious eyes follow his movements as he straddles Lucas' torso. His heart is beating wildly but in the best way as he settles and gazes down at his boyfriend. 

"Taeyongie?" Lucas manages to ask; an edge to his voice.

The smaller male bends forward to kiss his boyfriend; showing no signs of holding back. Lucas himself has no complaints as his hands quickly find Taeyongs petite waist under his oversied shirt. A low, lower than Taeyong has ever heard it, moan escapes his boyfreinds lips when he starts moving his hips in circular motions. A surge of pride wells up, and he smiles into their kiss when Lucas grips his hips harder. They part seconds later, but only because Taeyong can feel Lucas come to life through the thin material of his pajama bottoms and he wants to be sure.

"Can we...?"

"Baby you can do whatever you like, I'm not going to stop you," Lucas says as he lifts himself up and dives in for another heated kiss; hands working to get Taeyongs shirt off his body. "I'm all yours."

"Mine," the smaller male hums happily as Lucas shifts his attention to sucking purple marks into his neck instead. "I'm yours too."

"Johnny," Jaehyun says into the dark kitchen. "I think you should come out here for a second. Doyoung wants to talk."

He's sitting in a chair; numb. He doesn't think he can get up, but he does. Slowly, Johnny makes his way over to the living room. The balcony door is open, and there is where he finds Doyoung and Jaehyun standing - motioning him over. The cold night air hits him and Johnny releases a breath he didn't realize he was holding. His hands touch the rail and he knows he should feel colder than this, but he's still just so numb - still processing all that just happened.

"Jaehyung told me what he heard," Doyoung says first after closing the sliding door. "I rushed over as soon as I saw the texts. No one else knows about it though, so what gets said here stays between us. How do you feel?"

"Numb."

Doyoung nods. Jaehyun finally looks like he's put the pieces together when he speaks.

"That's why you've been acting weird lately. Because you have feelings for Taeyong."

"I love him," Johnny corrects; suprising both vocalists. "I love Taeyong. I realized today for the first time that I am utterly in love with one Lee Taeyong and I am not as straight as I though all these years."

He wants to cry again, but this time the tears don't fall so Johnny just grips the rail harder.

"Why didn't I see that sooner?" Johnny asks; more himself than his two friends. "Why did it take all this for me to realize it? Why did he have to move on for me to figure my shit out?"

"We don't always get to decide how our feelings are going to manifest Johnny," Doyoung sighs; a comforting hand on his friend. "I'm glad you finally came to terms with how you feel - I'm sure down the line this will help save you a lot of heart ache, and while I am sad to see you this way... and while I do wish it was different... at least now it's said and done."

"All this time," Johnny says. "All this time he.. he loved me and felt like this. All this time Taeyong carried this pain around. He kept hoping I'd love him back and now... I didn't want to admit it to myself and in the end it... it just drove him away. He moved on. Taeyong moved on."

"Letting go is a bitch," Jaehyun says sadly. "It's hard to rewire your brain once you've let it go crazy over someone special. You don't feel like you can really let them go until one day you wake up and it's not there anymore. That feeling. I just want you to know it gets better."

Doyoung and Johnny both look at Jaehyun.

"You sound like you're speaking from experience," Doyoung remarks. "

"Yeah, well, getting over Ten wasn't easy."

Johnnys eyes go wide.

"I didn't see that coming," Doyoung says.

"It was a long time ago, way before he got together with Kun," he says. "it was hard to move on, but it can be done."

Johnny nods. He hadn't known about their history - and would never guess it was like that with how friendly Jaehyun and Ten were now.

"How long?"

"Until I got over it? I spent half a year moving on - and some days where easier than others. Eventually I stopped thinking about him all the time, and our time together, all our memories, became things I could look back on and smile instead of crying over."

Johnny feels some hope at that - the idea of being able to look back at his and Taeyongs friendship and not want to desperately go back in time to confess sooner. 

"We're good friends now, obviously, and I'm really happy he has Kun. That's the other way I knew I really did love him once - and maybe always will in a way - because I always wished him well. I always wanted him to smile, even if it wasn't with me."

Lucas really did have a natural way of making everyone smile - especially Taeyong. Johnny had to agree that seeing Taeyong much more relaxed these days was something that put him at ease. That's all he's ever wanted. For Taeyong to be happy.

"You okay Johnny?" Doyoung asks carefully. 

"Yeah," he answers after a beat of silence. "I think I'll be fine."

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Thank you for reading. Twitter: @bxssbrxt_127


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